Monthly Archives: October 2008

sudden flies

All of a sudden, everything is disgusting.

The past few weeks have been but a prelude. I’d arrive to work to find little dead insects, bigger than fleas and smaller than flies, black with trapezoidal bodies and transparent wings, lying on the desks and chairs and floors. I’d watch the office boys sweep the floor as I’d drink my morning coffee, their pushbrooms rounding up a good Ziplock bag’s worth of carcasses by the time I’d turn to my email.

That was the prelude. Now is the onslaught. You pass under a bright light and suddenly they’re on your shirt by the dozens. You ride in an auto and you reach your destination picking them out of your beard. You arrive at your office in the morning and find them floating in your coffee cup. They die in mid-air and land in your hair. Vendors hang plastic bags under bright lights and collect six inches worth of bodies that they’d otherwise have to sweep off the ground.

You get desensitized; no longer reaching for a tissue, you just brush them off with your hand. You use the same fork you’re eating with to flick them out of your food.

I walked into a glass-enclosed ATM tonight, brightly lit by fluorescent tubes. Too late I realized it was a snow globe that someone had shaken after replacing the snowflakes with flies. The poor guard stared without expression as I franticly waved my arms to warn them off; it’s hard for him to sympathize with my entomological discomfort for the duration of a whole transaction when he’ll be sitting there all night in his garishly-white cage, the insects crawling on his head, landing on his mustache, mating and partying and dying in the air he breathes while thousands more on the outside slam themselves against the glass walls and fall into piles on the ground, little snowdrifts of black life waiting for the morning sweeper.

The Times of India has identified these creatures as leafhoppers, blaming the high temperatures in the weeks following the monsoon for their infestation. Leafhopper genocide, they promise, will come when the temperature drops.

rural roads

Sitting in the traffic jams I endure to and from work, the air conditioning too cold but the air outside too polluted to open the window, I fantasize about driving outside of Delhi. I imagine breathing freely and relaxing my neck muscles from their constant vigilance against stop-and-go whiplash. I yearn for the casual drives of youth in suburbia: picking a road out of town, following it to its conclusion, and encountering no other cars along the way.

Such drives aren’t found in India. Here, the rural roads are terrifying.

Not in the way roads outside of Denver were terrifying, where teenagers on a high school joyride scared each other with urban legends of a Third Bridge haunted by dead cheerleaders and massacred (American) Indians and where sheer supernatural panic set in when, on one perfectly cloudless and starry night, I swear to God it suddenly started snowing just as we crossed that infamous span. No, in rural India, the terror is of the fear-for-your-life, look-out-for-that-buffalo! sort caused by the sight of overburdened, hand-painted, snub-faced Ashok Leyland goods haulers barreling down on you, bouncing erratically on oil-encrusted struts, Kali’s tongue growing huge in your windshield as she cackles at your imminent demise, the high-pitched yowls of their unnaturally loud horns echoing in your skull until your driver nonchalantly pulls slightly left, opening up a gap that’s exactly wide enough for a speeding truck to pass through without killing anyone.

It’s not that the composition of traffic inside and outside cities is very different. In both cases you dodge vehicles and animals and funeral processions while men repairing scooters hang their rears into oncoming traffic and trucks park wherever they please. While the countryside does add a few variations — reducing the number of sedans and adding villagers who spread raw grain on the road so traffic can save them the trouble of crushing it — the difference is in attitude.

Everyone wants to get there first. So everyone is endlessly accelerating ahead of everyone else, shifting into the opposite lane to jump the vehicle in front of them. This turns every two-lane road into a four-lane road: two lanes coming, two lanes going, both on the same two lanes.

It’s vertical Frogger.

Cars are passing trucks, trucks are passing busses, busses are passing carts. If you’re not braking in panic then you’re flooring it in impatience. You’re either swinging into the opposite lane to get ahead of one bus or plunging back into the proper lane to dodge another.

Drivers are both terrifyingly reckless and shockingly precise: you avoid death by a consistent six foot margin each time.

And even if your driver is staying in the proper lane — if, somehow, your wide eyes and pathetic whimpers have convinced him, for the sake of your poor tourist hearts, to take it a little easier — oncoming traffic is not so considerate. Massive walls of unwashed metal grow in your windshield as they pass equally massive walls of unwashed metal on their left. Might makes right: they’re not slowing down, so you sure as hell better. Your driver stomps on the brakes and pulls to the left, and you are once again spared by six feet from becoming road paranthra.

No wonder India is such a religious country. On my trips outside of Delhi, I’ve found God every time.

your passing glimpse of someone’s tragedy

You see a big yellow steam shovel. You see a crowd. You see a shuttered paan stand: a single square meter of thin corrugated walls that, at three rupees a piece, is some man’s livelihood. This you see from your car as you pass. You twist in your seat and see the rest: the shovel comes down, the paan stand crumples. You see it, but you don’t hear it, because you’re already down the road.

gora evasion

It’s hard for people from this country to understand it, but it takes guts for an American to come to India. For those of us accustomed to supermarkets spanning acres and a Starbucks at every turn, India is the undiscovered country. As such, an American in India wants to believe he’s on a grand adventure (never mind the billion people who are here living our grand adventure every day). And this desire for grandeur creates a behavior among our fellow travelers that we call Gora Evasion.

“Gora” is what gringos are called here. They’re rare enough that even Jenny and I, after a few months in the country, began staring at them as much as everyone else. “Whoa — Goras!” we say, poking each other. “How the hell did they find their way to GK II?”

But while we may stare, we don’t say hi. We don’t make eye contact. They don’t want to acknowledge us, and we don’t want to acknowledge them. Because the last thing you want when you’re off seeing unseen sights is to meet someone who was in your rival high school’s marching band back home.

So when two Goras converge on a road, there are no pleasantries. No acknowledgments. If our eyes meet, it’s only by accident, and we both quickly look away. It happens in our main market and it happens in Chandni Chowk; it even happens walking past the Reebok Store in Saket Select Citywalk Mall.

A few weeks ago, we visited Mumbai. We were walking down a long, desolate road on the way down from Malabar Hill. It was twilight, the road was wooded, and the few people we saw were outnumbered by the bats: giant beasts with two-foot wingspans studiously swooping from tree to tree in search of the perfect perch to begin the evening’s hunt. And then, down the road, we saw them coming up: two Goras, a guy and a girl, coming our way,  on the same sidewalk. They were returning from the trail we’d hoped to blaze, and we were ruining the same trail for them.

“They’ll pretend not to notice us,” I told Jenny. We had been discussing our theory of Gora Evasion for months; this was the time to test it. As we grew closer, Jenny and I looked pleasantly ahead while the other two looked this way and that. And then, just at the point where two pairs of polite people would smile and nod in every circumstance back home, that’s when the guy elaborately pointed out, with wildly exaggerated finger motions, something above and behind and to the left of Jenny and I. And they both studiously contemplated this point in space as the four of us passed each other, greetings not exchanged, illusion of adventure unbroken. They were still the only Goras in Mumbai, and so were we.

worker safety on the golf driving range

dave’s contribution to indian culture

Because I’ve so eagerly adopted the phrase “do one thing“, I feel compelled to contribute something to Indian linguistics in return. And while the American vernacular provides a cornucopia of wit, wisdom, clarity, and grace, I’m proud to report that I have chosen — and my coworkers have just as eagerly taken to — one of the most useful and important nouns in the English language: “Douchebag.”

As in: “That guy is a douchebag.”

“Douchebag” is an ambiguous word. It’s hard to define, because douchebags themselves run such a wide gamut and appear in such a variety of circumstances. In general, a douchebag refers to a pretty-boy with an overinflated sense of self worth. They have large biceps and small minds. There’s a pretty good rundown here.

Douchebags are a product of wealth and leisure — which means that as India’s middle class continues to swell, India’s upper class will increase its output of douchebags. So it’s a good word for my coworkers to know.

I’d like to think I’m leaving India a better place.